my wonder for abandoned places and industrial deserts is at a tipping point. Now that in America they have a second Torino, (they call it “detroit in a cool documentary” ) finally the hipsters can go inside modern ruins and paint everything like a child would paint his father’s work serious desk.

My father sometimes complains his generation did not left us a nice world to live, but I think that anyone can decide how to spend his time, building, painting or watching tv instead.

Just in front of my house there is a nice park, with an abandoned building just in the center. It’s pretty big, it used to be an hotel. Just like my past life, i see it every time i go to the station, and i feel what they call “interior landscapes“.

Images of a great past, that now fells in ruins it’s not just industrial archeology, the teacher told me also great emperors had a mythological vision of their roots, to justify a despicable present, mostly.

i feel like a bored Ulysses with the urgent need for new adventures. too bad the island is far far away.

I’m no more a child, but I try to keep alive my inner child, when possible. When i’m deeply into some analytical task, having an alive child inside with all his creativity and lateral thought can be very useful to get new thesis to analyze.

What happens when errors and bad experiences in life force this little guy to stay silent? All the inner team get depressed and it’s difficult to get them back.

I know when I’m not ready for a jump, and I also know that I don’t have to tell anybody that I’m planning some kind of jump: because when someone know that you are trying to jump somewhere it’s natural their try to influence the normal flow of things.

They try to encourage you, they say what’s right and what’s is not right. They even say “yeah! it’s time for you to try“. And when you trust people, and you try, and you fail, there is just you and your self to deal with the failure.

as Adam said some days ago, keeping things inside is painful, but most of the times does the job. Then what happens if after too many things kept inside you start losing some people? and what happens when even if you are trying, you lose anyway people during your journey? This is happening to me, and I don’t know where this road is going.

But failing with my own decision is better than failing for other people’s decisions.

Update: Fred says that’s better to not hurt back. Again: someone should dig into our decisioning system to understand when you are receiving a False No (hint: a False No, is not equal a Yes). Maybe some historic records will help.

I’m in my hotel room, naked on the bed with the laptop on a drawer removed from the nightstand. I’m again in Sardinia, my friends sleep in the nearby room and this small hotel features a very fast wi-fi, I got the password from the hotel manager that wrote it for me on a small piece of paper. It’s a character from an old Sega mega drive videogame. It’s not Sonic.

Some days ago Facebook bought FriendFeed, I’m still chatting sometimes with Melody and with Adam and all those things seems so normal, so common these times. I’m not in the mood to get some work done, I should be on holiday and this internet connection also connects me to my everyday life.

On Facebook i have some friends inviting me to join their business groups. Why should i join those all branded + serious empty groups? All these questions have been asked and answered in the Cluetrain manifesto many years ago, and now I only feel that strange lonely internet-mood while in a foreign hotel room.

What’s the cool way to use the internet? I tried almost every forum/second life fail/chat/social stuff/website community on our western internet and? Maybe it will be enough to post some mp3s from the concerts of the next days, share only the stuff that i really care about. But i’m still puzzled. I’m missing so many things in my life that i cannot even count them. I feel in a big mess and trying to get organized, trying to follow a dream that could come true in the next years only means to lose other days of my life on earth with normal people.

Being this overly-connected is not giving much, i think, compared to the daily learning and giving that a “normal” friendship can guarantee. And… my normal friendships today come from the internet of some years ago.

I’m not that kind of orthodox christian, anyway i remember most of the stories from the Old Testament: one of these tells about that guy planting seeds on the stones, and putting seeds in the ground. That’s just a concept to make you understand that there are some places where seeds cannot grow. Every time I walk in the city i feel that all that stories are false. Plants and grass are growing everywhere, even in the space between stones.

i’m still in my empty hotel room, and the simple action of posting on the internet, tonight has the taste of a failure. All those songs of unhappy people are full of ideas far from the reality. The only song with the word “happy” on the lyrics is a cover of “father and son” of Cat Stevens, when he says “I am old, but I’m happy”.

That “but” it’s a small proof that he is lying, at least to himself.

silence isn’t either professional. In a public situation silence is not really welcome. Your thoughts should be expressed as soon as possible no matter what’s inside your head. right? Well maybe. I haven’t even saw the tipping point of this strange equilibrium. Life cycles go and run and turn, just like a strange dance. I can only stay silent and look around. i started playing the guitar almost every night, just for myself. the recording time is ended, just some errors, a stoney hand and some little melody. this is  not going to stop soon.

many news in my real life anyway: the 7th i’ll be leaving for sardegna, that little island full of music and friends. I’ll stay by myself in my rented apartment, wating for another month to pass under the sun and beneath the sea. I’ll see all those girls, and women and i’ll be unpolitely silent. just like the girl i like. I see her every morning at the train station, she is incredibly silent, we don’t stare at eachother too much. just a sec every day. then i go to work, i try do operate some changes, i try do develop some business, i keep her our of my thoughts. then i come back home, in the evening. I see my granny and we talk, just if she were the only person on earth. We talk about tv shows, some little easy politics, we speak about food. Then i head back to the PC, i try to figure out what is like to be a committed and precise future builder. I just can see my present, stuck and silent. I think i’ll miss her. Both.

I’m searching for a resolution to change what i’ve become. I dont know what exatly i am, but i think that sardinia will help. almost no pollution, fast internet to work, sun, sea and… friends. Also some sort of indipendence. everything seems ok, except for this “you failed” feeling. I had so many dreams that i cannot even remember them all. the more i read, the more i get messages like: do what is best for you, follow your dreams! When i wake up, in the morning, the guitar is in the bed.