For me it’s strange to exit my house leaving dirty dishes in the sink. The food fixes and I know that the more I wait the harder it will be to clean. So I usually wash the whole kitchen surface just after my meals. In my old psychology class I’ve heard about compulsive cleaning behaviors but I never felt one of those maniacs since I can live in the dirt as well: I must say to myself “this is a momentary situation, normal times will come back soon”.
Now that I know that I could be officially one of those maniacs, I know that my actions are always a clear message of my inner self. Even though I can consider myself victorious after this sardinian working holiday experience, I’m still living in my temporary empty house full of ghosts and procrastination and no hope to change the state of the things.
So, for the first time I turned on the air conditioning. The official reason was “alleviate the hot season” but the fact is “I dont’ pay for it, who cares?”. After few days of virtual winter in the middle of the summer, I came back to my dear environmental ideas, so the conditioning was turned off, no matter the outside temperature. I always liked cool ideas rather than a cool environment.
All my temporary/cleaning/commitment/responsibility theories have always been there to help me survive in my solitude. I forced myself to solitude to learn how to survive to the life as a part of a loving couple. I know that one should learn that couple life thing while living in a couple. I tried. But my learning pattern is also available on contradictory situations: I can learn what I want to be just looking at someone that I don’t like. I’m forced to learn this way since I don’t find positive examples around me. I can only see:
- well crafted exterior heroes
- rich shameless perpetual pain addicts
- poor shameless perpetual pain singers
- common people in walled gardens
- breeded females
- loveless manipulators
- lonesome robot kings
and I dont feel I can fit in any of these. Cleaning my dishes is just a part of life survival, but it’s also trying to reject something considered dirty. And yes, I consider myself dirty.
